Swami

Special to the Natural Enquirer!

Swami Beyondananda, spiritual leader to millions of FUNdamentalists (accent on “fun”) worldwide, has called on our government to end what he calls “a systematic policy of ethic cleansing.”
“Congress must act,” declared the Swami, “And without DeLay, I might add.”
Speaking at a Right-to-Laugh Party Fun-Raiser in his overwhelmingly pro-laugh district in Northern California, Swami warned that the cleansing of ethical people from positions of power has caused a “dangerous tilt in the scale of justice that is seriously impacting the planetary laugh force.”

Decline in Laugh-Expectancy Due to Gold Collar Criminals, Swami Charges

Besides damage to the Bozone Layer, the Swami cited ethic cleansing and a “political system mired in greedlock” for an overall decline in laugh-expectancy. “In spite of the fact that there’s definitely something funny going on, people are just not laughing,” the Swami says. “They are saying, ‘Of course I’m for family values, but not Soprano Family values.’”
While he would name no names, the Swami said the ethic cleansing policy was being perpetrated by “gold collar criminals looking to collar the gold without getting collared themselves.” Swami accused gold collar criminals of “using their energy -- what the Chinese calls ‘ch’i (chee) to gain unfair advantage. Ch’i ting, it is called.”
As a result of ethic cleansing, Swami charged, “America is losing her moral compass. The lines are being obscured between the highway to success and the low way.”

An Uprising in Levity to Face a Buy-Partisan Issue

The Swami called on all Americans, no matter what their political affiliation, to join together “in an uprising of levity to shine the light of laughter on the human foolishness that makes ethic cleansing possible.”
“This is a buy-partisan issue,” the Swami told the crowd. “Parties in both parties are being bought, and our public servants are serving up huge chunks of the commonwealth to help their cronies become uncommonly wealthy.”
“We need to stop the left-right tug-of-war that is pulling us apart, and start pulling together. Left wing and right wing, the eagle needs two strong wings to fly forward. We need to stop being stuck taking sides and see things from a new angle -- we all want the same thing: Government of the people, by the people, and for the people -- where the government does our bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.”

The Tragedy of Ethic Cleansing: Who is in Danger?

• Those in government unwilling to spin the spin.
• Whistle-blowers and truth-tellers.
• Journalists who refuse to embed down with those they are investigating.
• Scientists whose results are at odds with the official party line.
• Policy-makers to the left of John Ashcroft.
• Anyone who accuses the liars of lying.

Enquirer Interview:

Swami Speaks Out on Ethic Cleansing, Not-Seeism and Bringing Down the Irony Curtain

Although he told us he was rushed to catch a higher plane, the Swami was kind enough to answer a few questions from our intrepid Natural Enquirer Reporter.

Natural Enquirer: I’ll ask the question I know is on many of our minds: How can this great country so steeped in freedom and justice fall prey to ethic cleansing? Swami, who is really to blame?

Swami: As you probably know, I am a devout FUNdamentalist dedicated to bringing about Nonjudgment Day, so I try to avoid judging and blame. In fact, I think people who judge are terrible, and those who blame are the cause of all the world’s problems. But I do think responsibility lies somewhere, and responsibility for most of the lies lies with the mass media.

Natural Enquirer: You would think the press would give such a pressing issue blanket coverage.

Swami: Oh, they have. They have covered the issue of ethic cleansing with a blanket and have just about smothered it to death. It used to be there was something called the press, but now the press has been pressed into service as lie-ability insurance for gold collar criminals. Talk about weapons of mass distraction. Boy! Did you know this country produces more B.S. per square person than anyplace else on the planet? That’s right. When it comes to number two, we’re number one! And all that B.S. has clogged our skeptic system. No wonder we have the disturbing problem of Not-Seeism, when the media makes it so easy for people to pretend to not see what is going on right in front of their noses.

Natural Enquirer: Yes, it seems like you’ve been speaking out for a while now on the Not-See menace. Can you identify any other symptoms to be on the lookout for?

Swami: Well, Not-Seeism goes hand-in-hand with irony deficiency, and together they hold the Irony Curtain in place. The best treatment we have is to strengthen the body politic by pumping ironies, so I offer up these ironic enablers for ethic cleansing as irony supplements to chew on:

• Those who think two men lying together is an abomination but think nothing of a whole bunch of men lying together to bomb a nation.
• Creationists who believe in Social Darwinism.
• Those who preach the golden rule but serve the rule of gold.
• Folks strung out on Deniatol who believe that what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

Natural Enquirer: Swami, those of us who want our government to come clean, what do we do? Is there any kind of nonviolent action we can take?

Swami: Yes, there is. You know that image we have of Mahatma Gandhi sitting at the spinning wheel? Well, things are turned around now. Nonviolent warriors these days have to spend their time unspinning instead. Because I tell you most of what passes for news nowadays is just spun spin. So we need to unspin the spin, unravel the yarn until all we have left is naked truth.

Natural Enquirer: The naked truth, hmm? That might be a little hard to take.

Swami: Listen, I know. The idea of seeing your government naked is absolutely repulsive. But look, we are adults, are we not? If you’re feeling squeamish, before you run away squeaming, consider this: Would our Founding Fathers have been afraid to take a peek behind the Irony Curtain? Of course not. So neither should we. We need to call for transparency instead of the apparent trance we have now. And if we can’t get our message on television, then tell-a-person will have to do.

Natural Enquirer: Well, the ruling class might not like that idea.

Swami: Don’t get me started on the ruling class. Trillions of dollars spent on weapons of mass destruction -- and we’re still not safe? If this is the best the ruling class can do, I give ‘em an F. As far as I’m concerned, the ruling class has flunked ruling class!

Natural Enquirer: Any more advice for bringing us together?

Swami: Yes. We must listen to the Republicans more, but not the Banana Republicans we have in charge now, who are sadly turning our precious land into a banana republic. We need to listen to Republicans like Abraham Lincoln who spoke of government of, by and for the people; Teddy Roosevelt, a conservative who actually believed in conserving; Dwight Eisenhower, who warned us about that deadly parasitic condition, the Military Industrial Complex; and Barry Goldwater, who wanted nothing to do with the American ayatollahs of the religious right.

Natural Enquirer: What about the conflict going on in the Senate right now, you know, the “nuclear option?”

Swami: We the people need to put forth a new clear option – we need to go for fusion, not fission. We need to go for the highest common denominator instead of the lowest common dominator. And that’s where levity comes in, because it helps us rise to a higher perspective. That’s the only way we can overgrow the current system.

Natural Enquirer: What if we are successful, Swami? What would our world look like if we in fact did end ethic cleansing?

Swami: I have a dream about that. Now I know it’s a stretch, but please stretch with me if you will. Imagine … you are going to the voting booth, and you are about to cast a vote – a vote that counts and a vote that will be counted, I might add – for the greater of two goods.

© Copyright 2005 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved. Swami is the author of Swami for Precedent: A 7-Step Plan to Heal the Body Politic and Cure Electile Dysfunction. Visit Swami online at
http://www.wakeuplaughing.com/ or call toll free at (800) SWAMI-BE for a free catalogue.