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Creating Bridges: Spirituality & Philosophy:
Spirituality in Daily Life:
A Monastic's Mind -
a Talk to New Sangha
Part 2
Tushita Meditation Centre, Dharamsala
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by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron |
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Working with Down Times
We'll all have problems in the future. If you haven't before, you will probably go through a time of feeling very lonely. You might go through a time of thinking that maybe you shouldn't have ordained. You might find yourself saying, "I'm so bored." Or "I'm so tired of being pure. Anyway my mind is a mess. I should just give up." Or you might think, "I'd feel so much more secure if I had a job. I'm turning forty and don't have any savings or health insurance. What's going to happen to me?" We may feel, "If only someone loved me, I'd feel better. I wish I could meet a significant other."
Sometimes we may be flooded with doubts. It's important to recognize that everybody goes through these kinds of doubts. It's not just us. The lamrim is designed to help us deal with these mental states. When we go through periods of doubt and questioning, it's very important not to blame our ordination, because our ordination is not the problem.
When we're lonely we might think, "Oh, if I weren't ordained I could go down to McLeod and meet a nice person in the restaurant, and then I won't be lonely." Is that true? We've had plenty of sex before. Did that cure the loneliness? When the mind starts telling the story, "If only I did this, then the loneliness would go away," we need to check if doing that will really solve the loneliness or not. Often what we do when we're lonely is like putting a Band-Aid on somebody who has a cold. It's not going to work. That's not the right antidote for loneliness.
At those times, we need to work with our mind. "Okay, I'm lonely. What is loneliness? What's going on?" We feel, "Why doesn't anybody love me?" I used to remember my teenage years when I constantly wondered and wished, "When is somebody going to love me?" This made me realize that feeling I wanted to be loved was not a new problem, it's been going on for years. So I had to look at what's going on in my mind. What's behind the feeling of "Why doesn't somebody love me?" What is it that I'm really seeking? What's going to fill that hole?
We just sit there with these kinds of puzzles and questions. In our mind we keep trying on different solutions to see what will help the loneliness and the wish to be loved. I've discovered that the lamrim helps a lot in this regard. It helps me to let go of fantasies and unrealistic projections. In addition, the bodhicitta meditations help me open my heart to others. The more we can see that everyone wants to be happy, the more we can open our hearts to have equal love for others. The meditation on the kindness of others helps us to feel the kindness others show us now and have shown us since we were born. And even before that! When we see that we've been the recipient of so much kindness and affection, our own heart opens and loves others. We stop feeling alienated because we realize that we've always been connected to others and to kindness. When we experience this, the loneliness goes away.
We need to work with our difficult emotions instead of running away from them, stuffing them down, or acting them out, let's say by thinking that we'd be happier if we got married and got a job. We just sit and work with our own mind, take refuge and start developing a heart that loves others. The mind inside of us that says, "Why doesn't somebody love me?" is the self-centered mind, and it's already made us spend a long time feeling sorry for ourselves. Now we're going to try opening our hearts to others, extending ourselves to others, and letting a feeling of well-being and connection arise inside of us.
The other day at the conference, His Holiness was talking about the bodhisattvas of the first bhumi, which is called Very Joyful. At this stage they have just realized emptiness directly in the path of seeing. His Holiness said these bodhisattvas have so much more happiness than arhats. Even though arhats have eliminated all the disturbing attitudes and negative emotions that had kept them bound in samsara while the first bhumi bodhisattvas have not, these bodhisattvas are still millions of times happier than the arhats. What gives these bodhisattvas so much joy is the love and compassion they have cultivated in their hearts. For this reason, the first bhumi is called Very Joyful. They are joyful not because of their realization of emptiness -- because the arhats have that too -- but because of their love and compassion.
He then said, "Although we think that others experience the result of our developing compassion, in fact it helps us more. Our developing compassion is for everybody's benefit, including our own. When I develop compassion, I benefit 100%. Other people only get 50%."
It's true. The more we recognize that we all equally want to be happy and to avoid suffering, the more we feel in tune with others. The more we recognize that we and others equally don't want to be lonely and want to feel connected, the more our own heart opens to others. When we start opening our heart to other people, then the love we feel for everyone, including ourselves, fills our heart.
Robes
We should be happy to wear our robes and we should wear them everywhere, all the time. The only times I have not worn them was the first time I saw my parents after I ordained -- because Lama Yeshe told me to wear lay clothes -- and when I went through customs at the Beijing airport. Otherwise, I travel in India, the West, worldwide, in my robes. Sometimes people look at me, and sometimes they don't. I am completely immune to their looks by now. Years ago in Singapore, I was walking down Orchard Road, and a man looked at me as if he had seen a ghost. I just smiled at him, and he relaxed. When we feel comfortable in our robes, then even if people look at us, we smile at them and they respond with friendliness. If we're relaxed wearing robes, other people will also be relaxed with it.
It could happen that in the West we will eventually alter the style of the robes to be more practical. This was done in previous centuries in several Buddhist countries. What is important, however, is that we dress like the other sangha of that place. If we wear a sweater, we should wear a maroon sweater, not one that is maroon with a little blue border, or one that is bright red, or one that is fancy. Chinese monastics have jackets, with collars and pockets, that look very tidy. It would be nice if at some point we standardized our jackets and sweaters so we would look alike.
Shoes and backpacks are status symbols among the Tibetan monastics. We should not emulate this. We should dress like everyone else and be simple and practical.
Here in Dharamsala, we look like everyone else. In the West, we don't look like other people on the street. We have to learn to be content either way, not trying to be different when we're with sangha in India yet trying to blend in when we're with laypeople in the West.
Geshe Ngawang Dhargey told us, when we put on my robes each morning, to think, "I am so glad that I am ordained." He said to treasure the robes and treasure our fortune to be ordained.
Most of you know that we put our shamtab on over our head. Out of respect for our ordination, we don't step into our shamtab. Fully ordained monastics should always have their three robes with them wherever they sleep at night, even if they are traveling. Getsuls and getsulmas have two robes, the shamtab and chögu. Keep your hair short. If you live in a colder climate, it may grow a tiny bit longer, but avoid having it too long. In the West I wear my zen when I teach or listen to teachings and a jacket or sweater when I go out, because I live in Seattle and it is cold there. I don't wear my zen when I go out in the street there, because the wind blows it all over. In the summer I wear a maroon Chinese monastic jacket in the street, because I feel more comfortable being covered.
Always wear your zen at teachings. When you put on your chögu or your zen, put it on gracefully. Don't spread it out and toss it around as you put it on so that it hits the people around you. Unfold it first, then put it around your shoulder in a small circle.
Etiquette
Etiquette and manners in daily interactions are a training in mindfulness. Don't eat while you walk. Lama was really strict about this; whenever we eat, we are seated. When a monastic munches popcorn or drinks a soft drink while walking down the street, it doesn't give laypeople a very good impression of the sangha. We may eat in a restaurant from time to time, but we shouldn't be hanging out in chai shops or restaurants. We didn't get ordained in order to be the chai shop guru or the chai shop socialite.
To share some practical do's an don'ts: avoid shouting long distances so that others are disturbed and look at you. Be mindful when you open and close doors. Be aware of how you move your body. We can learn a lot about ourselves by observing how we move. We notice that when we are in a bad mood, we walk differently and send out a different energy to the people around us.
The various guidelines for etiquette and manners aren't just rules saying, "Don't do this or that." They are training us to be aware of what we are saying and doing. This, in turn, helps us to look at our mind and observe why we are saying or doing something.
In Chinese monasteries they are very strict about how we push in our chair, clean our dishes, and so forth. We do these quietly. Don't expect somebody else to clean up after you. When you see an old friend, greet him or her warmly, but don't scream with joy and make a lot of noise.
In most Asian countries, avoid all physical contact with the opposite sex. The Tibetan tradition is a bit more relaxed, and we shake hands. But don't shake hands in a Theravada or Chinese country.
Don't hug members of the opposite sex, unless they are family members. In the West, it can be embarrassing when people of the opposite sex come up and hug us before we can do anything to stop it. Do your best to reach out your hand to shake theirs first. That shows them that they shouldn't hug you. We may hug people of the same sex in the West, but we shouldn't make a big display of it.
Be on time for teachings and pujas. Make that part of your bodhicitta practice. Care about others enough to be in your seat on time so that you don't have to climb over them or disturb them by arriving late.
Don't always follow the Tibetans monks or nuns as examples. I came to Dharamsala over twenty years ago and have seen the monastic discipline degenerate a lot since then. Don't think, "The Tibetan monks run, jump, and do Kung Fu chops, so I can too." Lama Yeshe used to tell us, "Think about the visualization you're giving to other people." What does it look like to lay people when the sangha shouts, runs, or pushes?
Our body language expresses how we feel inside, and it also influences others. How we sit in our own room is one thing. But when we are with lay people in a formal situation, if we sit in the best chair at the head of the table, stretch out on the sofa, or lean back in a big chair and cross our legs, what are we expressing about ourselves? How will that influence them?
In the Chinese monasteries, we were trained not to cross our legs or stand with our hands on our hips. Why? In our culture, such postures often indicate certain internal attitudes. By becoming more mindful of our body language, we become aware of the messages we convey to others on subtle levels. We also become aware of what is going on in our minds.
When I was training in the Chinese monastery, the nuns kept correcting me because I'd have my hands on my hips. I began to realize how I felt inside when I had my hands on my hips. It was very different than when I had my hands together in front of me or at my side. The more we become aware of things like that, the more we learn about what is happening in our mind.
Although we need to be mindful about our body language and behavior, we shouldn't be uptight about it. We can laugh, we can be happy, we can joke. But we do these mindfully and at appropriate times and in appropriate circumstances.
Daily Life
It's good to do three prostrations in the morning when we first get up, and three prostrations in the evening before going to bed. Some people are morning meditators, some people are evening or afternoon meditators. It's good to do some practice at least every morning and evening, but depending on the type of person you are -- morning meditator or evening meditator -- practice more at the time that works best for you. Don't leave all your practices for the night, because you probably will fall asleep instead. It's very good to get up early in the morning, set your motivation, and do some of your practices before starting the day's activities. It helps us to begin the day in a centered way.
In the morning, think, "The most important things I have to do today are to do my practices, keep my precepts, and have a kind heart towards others." Those are the most important things. It's not going to the train station; it's not sending that fax; it's not organizing this or talking to that person. "The most important thing that I have to do today is to keep my mind centered, balanced, and comfortable." Then, everything will flow from there. If you live in a Dharma center, make sure that you don't get so involved in the center's activities that you start sacrificing your practice.
As new monastics, it's important to learn the precepts. That doesn't mean just reading the list. We should request in-depth teachings on the precepts from senior sangha. What is the boundary of remaining a monastic? How do transgressions occur? How do we purify them? How can we prevent them? What is the value of living in the precepts? The Vinaya is rich with interesting stories and information, and studying it helps us.
I could talk for hours. But let's have time for your questions now.
Self-esteem and Focusing on the Long-term Goal
Q: After being ordained, I noticed major self-cherishing and eight worldly concerns in my mind. I thought, "I bet everyone in the Dharma center back home is trying to figure out how to keep me from coming home as a nun," and other things. My self-esteem plummeted right after ordination, and I thought, "I can't do this. I'm not worthy."
VTC: Living in ordination is very strong purification, and when we purify, we see our mental garbage. That's natural! When we clean the room, we see the dirt. We can't clean the room unless we see the dirt. When this stuff comes up, we see where the dirt is and see what we need to work on.
When such thoughts of low self-esteem come up, ask yourself, "Is that true? Are these stories I'm telling myself about how awful I am actually true?" Our mind thinks all sorts of stuff, and we shouldn't believe all of it! When our mind says, "I'm not worthy of taking ordination," we should examine, "What does 'worthy' mean? Does 'worthy' mean we're already supposed to be arhats or bodhisattvas before we ordain?" No, it doesn't. The Buddha said that ordination is a cause of becoming an arhat or a bodhisattva; it's a cause of enlightenment. We get ordained because we're imperfect, not because we're perfect. So the mind that says, "I'm not worthy of this" is false.
When these kinds of thoughts come up, look at them and analyze if they are true or not. "What's everybody going to think of me back home?" I don't know. Who cares? I'm not that important that they're going to spend most of their time thinking about me! Some people will say, "I'm so glad she ordained!" and some people will say, "Why did she do something like that?!" Whatever you do, somebody's going to like it and somebody's not going to like it. Let them sort that out.
We'll go through times when our practice is strong, and we'll go through times when our mind seems full of self-centeredness. The key to keep on going is to focus on our long-term goal. When we're headed for enlightenment, our present happiness and unhappiness aren't such big concerns. We're content simply to create the causes for goodness.
When we have a long-term goal we know what we're doing. When our mind fills with doubts - "Oh, I wish this," or "How come things xyz?" - we come back to what our priorities are in life. Progressing on the path to enlightenment is chief. We remind ourselves, "If I don't practice the path, what else am I going to do? I've done everything else in samsara millions of times. If I don't try and follow the path to enlightenment, what else is there? I've been it all. I've done it all. I've had everything there is to have in samsara zillions of times in my previous lives. Look where all that's gotten me? Nowhere!! So even if enlightenment takes 50 zillion eons, still it's worthwhile because there's nothing else worthwhile to do. This is what is most meaningful." If we can think of something else that's better, let's do it! But, it's very difficult to think of something more worthwhile, something that's going to bring more happiness for ourselves and others than cultivating the path to enlightenment.
When we're headed towards enlightenment, if we hit a glitch on the path, that's okay. If we're going towards Delhi and we hit a bump in the road, we continue on. So, don't worry about bumps in the road.
When we hit a bump, it's important to recognize the role our mind is playing in making that obstacle. Many people hit a bump in the road and think, "I'm having problems because of the ordination. If I weren't ordained I wouldn't have this problem." If we look closer, we'll see our ordination is not the problem. The problem is our mind. So, if I'm going toward enlightenment and my mind is creating a problem, then I work with my mind because doing that is valuable. It may be uncomfortable and sometimes I may be unhappy, but if I were a lay person, I'd still be uncomfortable and unhappy, only much more.
Relating to Old Friends
Q: How do we relate to old friends? I've been ordained for about fifteen months and recently went back to the West for a visit. I was unsure how to relate to my old friends while living as a monastic amongst them. How much should I see them and when should I excuse myself from their activities because I'm now a nun?
VTC: Often when we meet old friends, we don't feel the way we used to. We all change, and it's okay. We don't have to fit in the way we used to. Sometimes we may think, "But they are my old friends. I love them so much, but I can't be as close to them now, because I can't eat at night or hang out at the bar." They want to take us to the movies, but we don't go to entertainment, so we feel, "I don't fit in with these people. What's wrong? Should I change and be the way I used to be?"
At the beginning this creates some anxiety, but the more we find our own stability, integrity, and dignity as monastics, this doesn't bother us as much. "Dignity as a monastic" doesn't mean arrogance. Rather, it's a sense of what we are doing in life. We are confident, "This is what I do in life. When what my old friends do and what I do correspond, that's nice. But when they don't, that's okay. They can do what they do and I'll do what I do."
It's okay if you and your old friends have different interests and your relationships go in different directions. I ordained in India and lived here for some years. When I went back to the West to visit, some of my old friends were surprised I was a nun, and some weren't. I still see some of them from time to time in the West, but I've lost touch with most of them. That's okay. Relationships change all the time. Whether we're ordained or not, we'll drift away from some friends because our lives and interests go in different directions. With other friends, despite the difference in lifestyles, the friendships will continue and we will communicate very well. When we have a sense of well-being inside ourselves and a sense of what we are doing with our life, we'll accept it when some friends go different directions as well as when other friendships continue.
Let things be as they are. It will take your old friends a while to get used to you being a monastic, to understand what you will do and what you won't do, but that's okay. They will adjust. Some of them will like it, and some of them won't, and that's okay. Sometimes we find that what they do and talk about is boring. So much talk about politics, shopping, sports, and what other people are doing. It's so boring! In that case, we don't need to keep hanging out with those people. See them briefly, share what you're able to, and then politely excuse yourself and go do something else.
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Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron,
Buddhist Nun, Teacher, Author
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Thubten Chodron (Cherry Greene) graduated with a B.A. in History from UCLA in 1971. After traveling extensively in Europe, North Africa and Asia, she taught in the Los Angeles City School District did post-graduate work in Education at USC.
In l975, she attended a meditation course given by Ven. Lama Yeshe and Ven. Zopa Rinpoche, and subsequently went to their monastery in Nepal to explore Buddhism. In l977, she was ordained as a Buddhist nun.
Chodron studied and practiced Buddhism of the Tibetan tradition under the guidance of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other Tibetan masters for many years in India and Nepal.
She was the spiritual program director at Lama Tzong Khapa Institute in Italy for nearly two years and studied three years at Dorje Pamo Monastery in France. For two years she was resident teacher at Amitabha Buddhist Centre in Singapore, and for ten years she was resident teacher and spiritual advisor at Dharma Friendship Foundation in Seattle.
She currently is co-founder of Sravasti Abbey at Liberation Park in USA. Ven. Chodron has taught Buddhist philosophy, psychology and meditation worldwide.
Her books include:
Open Heart, Clear Mind; Buddhism for Beginners; Working with Anger; Taming the Monkey Mind, and Blossoms of the Dharma: Living as a Buddhist Nun.
Active in interfaith dialogue, she also does prison work. Ven. Chodron emphasizes the practical application of Buddha's teachings in daily life and is especially skilled at explaining them in ways easily understood and practiced by Westerners.
www.thubtenchodron.
org
www.sravastiabbey.
org
www.dharmafriendship.
org
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