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Creating Bridges: Spirituality & Philosophy:
Spirituality in Daily Life:
A Monastic's Mind -
a Talk to New Sangha
Part 1
Tushita Meditation Centre, Dharamsala
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by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron |
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I'm happy to have this time to talk with the sangha. It was nice coming up the hill and seeing so many sangha eating together. Lama Yeshe cared so much for the sangha and would have been happy to see this. When I was ordained in 1977, things were different: the facilities were more primitive and the sangha was not able to eat together at Tushita.
When we choose to ordain, it's because there's some spiritual yearning, something very pure inside of us. We should value this quality in ourselves, respect it, and take care of it.Newly ordained sangha chanting under the Bodhi tree in Bodhgaya
I'll talk a little bit this afternoon and then leave some time for questions. My hope is that we will discuss some of the things that you cannot discuss with Tibetan teachers. We encounter many cultural differences when we ordain. Sometimes these are not verbalized, and we can't talk about them. Sometimes we don't even recognize them ourselves. But they nevertheless affect us. I'm hoping our time together today will provide a forum to discuss some of these points.
The Value of Ordination and of the Precepts
All of you have heard about the benefits of ordination, so I won't repeat them now. I see these clearly in my own life. Whenever I do the death meditation, and imagine dying, looking back over my life, and evaluating what's been of benefit in my life, keeping ordination always comes out as the most valuable thing I've done. Doing tantric practice, teaching the Dharma, writing books -- none of these come out as the most valuable thing in my life. I think keeping ordination comes out so important because it has provided the foundation for me to do everything else. Without ordination, my mind would have been all over the place. But ordination gives us guidelines and direction. It provides a way to train our mind and steer it in a positive direction. On the basis of that we are able to do all other Dharma practices. Ordination gives us useful structure in our lives.
It's helpful and important for us to think of the value of each of our precepts. Let's take the precept to avoid killing. What would our lives be like if we didn't have that precept and could take others' lives? We could go out to restaurants and eat lobster. We could hunt and use insecticides. Are these activities we want to do? Then think: how has keeping that precept affected my life? How has it improved how I relate to others and how I feel about myself?
Do the same reflection for the precepts to avoid stealing and sexual contact. What would our life be like if we didn't have those precepts and engaged in those actions? What is our life like because we live in those precepts? Go through each precept and reflect on it in this way.
Sometimes our mind gets restless, thinking, "I wish I didn't have these precepts. I'd like to go out and find some nice guy and smoke a joint and..." Then think, "What would my life be like if I did that?" Play out the whole scene in your meditation. You go to McLeod Ganj, have a good time…and?! How would you feel afterwards? Then, when we consider that we didn't that, we see the value of the precepts, how precious each precept is because it keeps us from wandering all over doing things that just leave us more dissatisfied.
If we think about each precept in that way, we'll understand its meaning and purpose. When we understand how it helps us in our practice, the inspiration to live in accord with that precept will come based on our own experience. We'll know that precepts are not rules telling us what we can't do. If we see the precepts as rules saying "I can't do this and I can't do that," we'll probably disrobe after a while because we don't want to live in prison. But, the precepts are not prison. Our own berserky mind -- especially the mind of attachment that wants to go here and there, that wants more and better, grasping everything -- is prison. When we see the problems that the mind of attachment causes us, we understand that precepts prevent us from doing what we don't want to do anyway. We won't think, "I really want to do all these things and I can't now because I'm a monastic!" Rather, we'll feel, "I don't want to do these things, and the precepts reinforce my determination not to do them."
If we see our ordination in this way, being ordained will make sense to us and we'll be glad to be a monastic. Being happy as a monastic is important. Nobody wants to be unhappy, and being a monastic is difficult if we're miserable. Thus we need to make sure we have a happy mind. To do this, we can ask ourselves, "What is happiness? What creates happiness?" There's the happiness we get from sense pleasures and the happiness we experience from transforming our minds through practicing Dharma. One part of us thinks that sense pleasures are going to make us happy. We have to really check if this is the case. Or, does chasing after the things of this life -- food, sex, approval, reputation, sports, and so on -- only make us more dissatisfied?
Ordination isn't shaving our head and wearing robes, while we continue to act the same way as we did before. The precepts are a support that helps us to keep our practice strong. The external changes in dress and hair remind us of internal changes -- the changes in ourselves that got us to the point of wishing to receive ordination and also the changes in ourselves that we aspire to make as ordained people. The more we use our ordination to support our practice and the more committed we are to transforming our minds, the happier we'll be as monastics.
The Rebellious Mind
Sometimes, as we practice as a monastic, our mind becomes unhappy or rebellious. It may happen that we want to do something but there's a precept prohibiting it. There may be some structure or prescribed behavior of the sangha that we don't like, for example, serving others or following the instructions of those ordained before us. Sometimes we may look up and down the line of sangha, find fault with everyone, and think, "I can't stand being with these people any more!" When such things happen, when our mind gets in a bad mood and complains constantly, our usual tendency is to blame something outside. "If only these people acted differently! If only these restrictive precepts weren't there! If only these monastic traditions weren't the way they are!"
I spent many years doing this, and it was a waste of time. Then something changed, and my practice became interesting because when my mind bumped into external things that I didn't like, I began to look inward and question, "What's going on in me? Why is my mind being so reactive? What lies behind all these reactions and negative emotions?"
For example, the sangha has the tradition of sitting in ordination order. Our mind may rail, "The person in front of me is stupid! Why should I sit behind him or her?" We could go on and on complaining about "the system," but that doesn't help our bad mood. Instead, we can look inside and ask ourselves, "What's the button inside me that's getting pushed? Why am I so resistance to doing things this way?" Then, it becomes clearer, "Oh, I'm suffering from arrogance!" Then, we can apply the antidote to arrogance, for example, by reflecting on the kindness of others. "If I were the best one in the world, if I sat at the head of the row, then it would be a sorry situation because all that people would have to look to for inspiration would be me. Although I have something to offer, I'm certainly not the best. Besides, I don't want people having grandiose expectations of me. I'm glad some others are better than me, have kept precepts longer, and have more virtue. I can depend on those people for inspiration, guidance, and instruction. I don't have to be the best. What a relief!" Thinking in this way, we respect those senior to us and rejoice that they are there.
Working with our mind when it is resistant or rebellious makes our practice very interesting and valuable. Practicing Dharma doesn't mean chanting "La, la, la ," visualizing this deity here and that one there, imagining this absorbing here and that radiating there. We can do lots of that without changing our mind! What is really going to change our mind is lamrim meditation and thought transformation practice. These enable us to effectively and practically deal with the rubbish that comes up in our mind.
Instead of blaming something outside ourselves when we have a problem, we need to recognize the disturbing attitude or negative emotion that is functioning in our mind and making us unhappy, uncooperative, and closed. Then we can apply the antidote to it. This is what practicing Dharma is all about! Keeping our monastic precepts requires a firm foundation in the lamrim. Tantra practice without lamrim and thought transformation is not going to do it.
For this reason, His Holiness the Dalai Lama continuously emphasizes analytical, or checking, meditation. We need to use reasoning to develop our positive emotions and attitudes. During the Mind-Life conference I just attended, he emphasized this again, saying that prayer and aspiration are not enough for deep transformation, reasoning is necessary. Transformation comes from studying the lamrim, thinking about the topics, and doing analytical meditation on them. With a firm grounding in lamrim, we'll be able to work with our mind no matter what is going on in it or around us. When we do this, our Dharma practice become so tasty! We don't get bored practicing. It becomes very exciting and fascinating.
Self-acceptance and Compassion for Ourselves
In the process of working with our mind, it's important to give ourselves some space and not expect ourselves to be perfect because we're a monastic. After we ordain, it's easy to think, "I should act like Rinpoche." Especially if we have a teacher like Zopa Rinpoche who doesn't sleep, we compare ourselves to him and think there's something wrong with us because we have to sleep at night. "I should stop sleeping and practice all night. If I only had more compassion, I could do this." We become judgmental with ourselves, "Look at how selfish I am. What a disaster I am! I can't practice! Everybody else practices so well, while I'm such a mess." We become very self-critical and down on ourselves.
Being like this is a total waste of time. It's completely unrealistic and has no benefit at all. Nothing positive comes from beating up on ourselves! Absolutely none. I spent a lot of time being very judgmental of myself, thinking that doing this was good and right, and I can tell you from my experience that nothing useful comes from it.
What is a realistic attitude? We have to notice our defects. We notice our weak areas and faults and have some acceptance of ourselves. Accepting ourselves doesn't mean we're not going to try to change. We still recognize a certain trait as disadvantageous, a negative quality that we have to work on. But, at the same time we have some gentleness and compassion for ourselves. "Yes, I have this negative trait. Here it is. It's not going to disappear completely in the next ten minutes or even in the next year. I'm going to have to work with this for a while. I accept this and know that I can and will do it."
Thus we have some basic self-acceptance, instead of expecting ourselves to be some kind of perfect human being. When we have that basic self-acceptance, we can start applying the antidotes to our faults and change our life. We have the self-confidence that we can do this. When we lack that self-acceptance and instead beat up on ourselves, saying, "I'm not good because I can't do this. This person is better than me. I'm such a wreck!" we then push ourselves, thinking, "I've got to be a perfect monastic," and get tight inside. This is not a useful strategy for self-transformation.
Self-acceptance, on the other hand, has a quality I call "transparency." That is, we're not afraid of our faults; we can talk about our weak points without feeling ashamed or mortified. Our mind is compassionate with ourselves, "I have this fault. The people around me know I have it. It's not some big secret!" This transparency enables us to be more open about our faults. We can talk about them without concealing them and without feeling humiliated when we do so. Trying to cover up our faults is useless. When we live with others, we know each other's faults very well. We have all 84,000 disturbing attitudes and negative emotions. Others know it, so we might as well admit it. It's no big deal, so we don't have to pretend that we have only 83,999. In admitting our faults to ourselves and others, we also realize that we're all in the same boat. We can't feel sorry for ourselves because we are more deluded than anyone else. We don't have a greater or lesser number of disturbing attitudes and negative emotions than other sentient beings.
For example, at the Mind-Life Conference last week, I watched my pride come up, followed by anger and jealousy. I had to admit, "I've been ordained twenty-three years and I'm still angry, jealous, and proud. Everybody knows it. I'm not going to try to fool anybody and say these emotions aren't there." If I recognize them, don't blame myself for having them, and am not afraid to acknowledge them in front of you, then I'll able to work with them and gradually let them go. But, if I beat up on myself, saying, "I'm so proud. That's terrible! How could I be like that?!" then I'll try to cover up these defects. By doing so, I won't apply the antidotes to these negative emotions because I'm pretending I don't have them. Or, I'll get stuck in my self-judgment and won't think to apply the antidotes. Sometimes, we think that criticizing and hating ourselves are the antidotes to negative emotions, but they're not. They just consume our time and make us feel miserable.
One of the values of living with other sangha is that we can be open with each other. We don't have to pretend that we have everything figured out when we know we don't. If we're sentient beings, we don't have to have it all together! Having faults is nothing surprising, nothing unnatural. As sangha, we can support and encourage each other as we each work with our own problems. I'm telling you this because I spent many years thinking I couldn't talk with fellow monks and nuns about my problems because then they'd know what a horrible practitioner I was! I think they knew that anyway but I was trying to pretend that they didn't. And so, we seldom talked with each other about what was going on inside. That was a loss.
It's important to talk and be open with each other. For example, we admit, "I'm having an attack of anger," and avoid blaming another person for being mean. We stop trying to get others to side with us against him. Instead we recognize, "I'm suffering from anger right now" or "I'm suffering from loneliness." Then we can talk with other sangha. As Dharma friends, they will give us support, encouragement, and advice. This helps us to resolve our problems and progress along the path.
Sometimes when we have a problem, we feel we're the only one in the world who has that problem. But when we can talk about it with fellow monastics, we recognize that we're not alone, trapped in our own shell, fighting an internal civil war. Everyone is going through similar stuff. Realizing that enables us to open up with others. They can share how they deal with a similar problem and we can tell them how we work with what they're going through right now. Thus we support each other, instead of holding things inside, thinking no one will understand.
A Monastic's Mind
In a discussion with Amchok Rinpoche several years ago, he said to me, "The most important thing as a monastic is to have a monastic's mind." I've thought about this over the years and have concluded that when we have a "monastic's mind," things will naturally flow. Our whole way of being is as a monastic. We can think about what a "monastic's mind" means for years. Here are some of my reflections.
One of the first qualities of a monastic's mind is humility. Humility has to do with transparency, which is related to self-acceptance. With humility, our mind relaxes, "I don't have to be the best. I don't have to prove myself. I'm open to learning from others. It makes me feel good to see others' good qualities."
Humility can be difficult for us Westerners because we were raised in cultures where humility is seen as weakness. People in the West pull out their business cards, "Here I am. This is what I've accomplished. This is what I do. This is how great I am. You should notice me, think I'm wonderful, and respect me." We were raised to make others notice us and praise us. But this is not a monastic's mind.
As monastics, our goal is internal transformation. We're not trying to create a magnificent image that we're going to sell to everyone. We have to let that seep into our mind and not worry so much about what other people think. Instead, we should be concerned with how our behavior influences other people. Do you see the difference between the two? If I'm worried about what you think of me, that's the eight worldly concerns. I want to look good so that you'll say nice things to me and will praise me to others so that I'll have a good reputation. That's the eight worldly concerns.
On the other hand, as monastics, we represent the Dharma. Other people will be inspired or discouraged by the way we act. We're trying to develop bodhicitta, so if we care about others, we don't want to do things that will make them lose faith in the Dharma. We do this not because we're trying to create a good image and have a good reputation but because we genuinely care about others. If I hang out in chai shops all day or if I shout from one end of the courtyard to the other, other people will think poorly of the Dharma and the sangha. If I jostle people when I go into teachings or get up in the middle and stomp out, they're going to think, "I'm new to the Dharma. But I don't want to become like that!" Thus, in order to prevent this, we become concerned about the way our behavior affects other people because we genuinely care about others, not because we're attached to our reputation. We must be clear about the difference between the two.
A monastic's mind has humility. It also is concerned for the Dharma and others' faith in the Dharma. Generally, when we are first ordained, we don't feel this concern for the Dharma and for others' faith. New monastics generally think, "What can the Dharma give to me? Here I am. I'm so confused. What can Buddhism do for me?" Or, we think, "I'm so sincere in wanting to attain enlightenment. I really want to practice. Therefore others should help me to do this."
As we remain ordained longer and longer, we come to understand how our behavior affects other people, and we begin to feel some responsibility for the continuity of the teachings. These precious teachings, which have helped us so much, began with the Buddha. They were passed down through a lineage of practitioners over the centuries. Because those people practiced well and remained together in communities, we are fortunate enough to sit on the crest of the wave. We feel so much positive energy coming from the past. When we receive ordination, it's like sitting on the crest of the wave, floating along on the virtue that all the sangha before us have created for over 2,500 years. After some time, we begin to think, "I've got to contribute some virtue so that future generations can meet the Dharma and other people around me can benefit." We begin to feel more responsible for the existence and spread of the teachings.
I'm sharing my experience. I don't expect you to feel this way now. It took me many years to recognize that I was no longer a child in the Dharma, to feel that I am an adult and so need to be responsible and give to others. Often we come into Dharma circles or into the sangha thinking, "What can I get out of the sangha? How is being with these monks and nuns going to benefit me?" We think, "We're going to have a monastery? How will it help me?" Hopefully after some time our attitude changes and we begin to say, "What can I give to the community? How can I help the sangha? What can I give to the individuals in the community? What can I give to the lay people?" Our focus begins to change from "What can I get?" to "What can I give?" We talk so much about bodhicitta and being of benefit to everybody, but actually putting this into practice in our daily life takes time.
Slowly, our attitude begins to change. If we look at our ordination as a consumer and think, "What can I get out of this?" we're going to be unhappy because we'll never get enough. People will never treat us well enough or give us enough respect. However, we'll be much more satisfied as monastics if we start to ask ourselves, "What can I give to this 2,500 year-old community? How can I help it and the individuals in it so that they can continue to benefit society in the future? What can I give to the laypeople?" Not only will we feel more content inside ourselves when we change our attitude, but we'll also be able to make a positive contribution to the welfare of sentient beings.
To make a positive contribution we don't need to be important or famous. We don't need to be Mother Theresa or the Dalai Lama. We just do what we do with mindfulness, conscientiousness, and a kind heart. We shouldn't make a big deal, "I'm a bodhisattva. Here I am. I'm going to serve everybody. Look at me, what a great bodhisattva I am." That's trying to create an image. Whereas if we just try to work on our own mind, be kind to other people, support them in their practice, listen to them because we care about them, then slowly a transformation will occur within ourselves. Who we are as a person will change.
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Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron,
Buddhist Nun, Teacher, Author
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Thubten Chodron (Cherry Greene) graduated with a B.A. in History from UCLA in 1971. After traveling extensively in Europe, North Africa and Asia, she taught in the Los Angeles City School District did post-graduate work in Education at USC.
In l975, she attended a meditation course given by Ven. Lama Yeshe and Ven. Zopa Rinpoche, and subsequently went to their monastery in Nepal to explore Buddhism. In l977, she was ordained as a Buddhist nun.
Chodron studied and practiced Buddhism of the Tibetan tradition under the guidance of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other Tibetan masters for many years in India and Nepal.
She was the spiritual program director at Lama Tzong Khapa Institute in Italy for nearly two years and studied three years at Dorje Pamo Monastery in France. For two years she was resident teacher at Amitabha Buddhist Centre in Singapore, and for ten years she was resident teacher and spiritual advisor at Dharma Friendship Foundation in Seattle.
She currently is co-founder of Sravasti Abbey at Liberation Park in USA. Ven. Chodron has taught Buddhist philosophy, psychology and meditation worldwide.
Her books include:
Open Heart, Clear Mind; Buddhism for Beginners; Working with Anger; Taming the Monkey Mind, and Blossoms of the Dharma: Living as a Buddhist Nun.
Active in interfaith dialogue, she also does prison work. Ven. Chodron emphasizes the practical application of Buddha's teachings in daily life and is especially skilled at explaining them in ways easily understood and practiced by Westerners.
www.thubtenchodron.
org
www.sravastiabbey.
org
www.dharmafriendship.
org
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