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Creating Bridges: Spirituality & Philosophy:
Spirituality in Daily Life:
Being Responsible
for Our Lives
by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron |
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It seems to be that blaming is one of our favorite pastimes, especially when we have to account for messy situations or confused emotions in our lives. "I unknowingly got into a bad marriage because my spouse was deceptive." "I have emotional difficulties that lead me to make unwise decisions due to how my family treated me as a child." "I can't find a decent job because of the economy." "I went into that field because others said it was hot, but by the time I graduated, the market was flooded and I couldn't find a job."
When we err, it's due to others. When they err, it's because they are bad people. We have lots of sympathy for ourselves and those dear to us and very little for those who society has declared outcasts-for example, prisoners.
While not negating the force of external circumstances such as prejudice, poverty, and oppression, I do think it would serve us well to examine the choices we make. What was our role in how our life turned out? Without falling to the extreme of blaming ourselves, we can take responsibility for our lives instead of bemoaning the fact that things never turn out the way we wanted or expected them to.
Recently Bo, one of the prisoners I write to, told me about his upbringing. I won't share the details with you, but suffice it to say that as a kid, he faced a number of obstacles that many people will never see in their lives. He became a drug dealer and was arrested at age 32 for such and given a twenty year sentence, of which he's in his fourteenth year. If he had blamed his prison sentence and all the ensuing suffering he's experience in prison on his early years, I would have understood. But he didn't. When I responded to the letter about his youth with understanding and sympathy, but not pity, he replied as follows:
I've been thinking about personal change. After thirteen and a half years in prison and much soul searching, I can say with absolute certainty that I have changed a lot for the better. The person that I used to be is gone. If I were to meet him today, I wouldn't like him much.
Prison and the act of having a significant part of your life and your freedom taken from you can be a very sobering experience. It doesn't take a really smart guy to figure out that if he did something that cost him fifteen or twenty years, well, he was doing the wrong thing and changes to himself were necessary. Some guys come to prison with long sentences and drastically change their lives for the better and some change for the worse. But none leaves prison without changing in some way. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to make some positive and long-term changes in my life. Without going to prison that probably wouldn't have happened.
I want to touch on my family and growing up in what were perhaps not ideal conditions. I don't hold my parents responsible for the way my life turned out. They did what they did, and right or wrong doesn't matter now. I'm the only one responsible for me. Maybe if I had grown up in a different environment I would have been a different person, and maybe I would be a very successful and very miserable human being. But all that stuff doesn't really matter; it's all conjecture. It's a waste of time and energy to wonder "what if." My path has been my path. The cumulative total of all previous days of my life and all the people, places, and things that occupied those days has resulted in who and what I am now.
I don't begrudge anyone anything any more. I used to. That was until I learned that all that negativity was robbing me of energy and life force. I still sometimes get in moods where I wonder "what if…" but at the heart of my existence, I know that the results of the life that has been me for forty-five years are the results of my learning and different experiences.
The choices I have made since childhood have produced the consequences that have brought me to this point in time. My choices, my consequences, my life, my path. What my parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, friends, teachers, and all others did in the story of my life is secondary. Ultimately, Bo is the responsible one for Bo's life. I blame no one for the direction that my path has led me.
I do think that this path has proven to be a very good one despite being at times very undesirable and difficult. I have a pretty unique perspective that is an asset and a strength for me. From this perspective and this pool of knowledge that is me, I will live the rest of this life much more positive than I did before. I hope to be an asset to the human race, a part of the solution, not a part of the problem. Now at this stage of life, I can finally think!
What he said touched me deeply. A person who accepts responsibility for their decisions is in a position to effect great change in their life, while someone who continuously attributes their failings and confusion to others digs himself into a hole. If we are a victim of the conditions others inflicted on us, we are trapped. There is no way to change our situation without changing the other person. How can we think we can control others and make them change when we can't even manage our own mind?
But when we take responsibility of our decisions-even the ones we made when we were young and ignorant, even if those decisions were made in less than optimal circumstances or due to coercion or manipulation by others-then we give ourselves the power to change. We cease getting stuck in the past and instead forgive ourselves and others. We learn from our mistakes and begin to contemplate other alternatives to our present emotional habits or behavioral patterns. We start working with our own mind, bringing forth its wonderful qualities such as love, compassion, and wisdom.
Let's try it!
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Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron,
Buddhist Nun, Teacher, Author
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Thubten Chodron (Cherry Greene) graduated with a B.A. in History from UCLA in 1971. After traveling extensively in Europe, North Africa and Asia, she taught in the Los Angeles City School District did post-graduate work in Education at USC.
In l975, she attended a meditation course given by Ven. Lama Yeshe and Ven. Zopa Rinpoche, and subsequently went to their monastery in Nepal to explore Buddhism. In l977, she was ordained as a Buddhist nun.
Chodron studied and practiced Buddhism of the Tibetan tradition under the guidance of His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other Tibetan masters for many years in India and Nepal.
She was the spiritual program director at Lama Tzong Khapa Institute in Italy for nearly two years and studied three years at Dorje Pamo Monastery in France. For two years she was resident teacher at Amitabha Buddhist Centre in Singapore, and for ten years she was resident teacher and spiritual advisor at Dharma Friendship Foundation in Seattle.
She currently is co-founder of Sravasti Abbey at Liberation Park in USA. Ven. Chodron has taught Buddhist philosophy, psychology and meditation worldwide.
Her books include:
Open Heart, Clear Mind; Buddhism for Beginners; Working with Anger; Taming the Monkey Mind, and Blossoms of the Dharma: Living as a Buddhist Nun.
Active in interfaith dialogue, she also does prison work. Ven. Chodron emphasizes the practical application of Buddha's teachings in daily life and is especially skilled at explaining them in ways easily understood and practiced by Westerners.
www.thubtenchodron.
org
www.sravastiabbey.
org
www.dharmafriendship.
org
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