Swami

Greetings, and happy new year!

And even though it’s a brand new year, you know what? It’s still now. A later now, but still now. Last year I predicted the book “The Power of Now” would be the next big thing -- and it was. And with more and more people learning to be in the now, I will make an even more radical prediction: Living in the now will be the wave of the future, until time itself becomes a thing of the past.

How’s the Universe? Just Fine,Thanks

This is the State of the Universe Address, and knowing how busy most of us have been, you probably haven’t stopped to ask, “I wonder how the Universe is doing.” Well, since you didn’t ask, I will tell you. Just fine, thank you. Ever-changing, same as always. purring in perfection. The Universe continues expanding, and I don’t care what the economists are saying, an expanding Universe means more jobs for everyone. Overall activity is up, and when the Universe puts on its overalls, you know it’s gonna be a busy year.

Meanwhile back on earth, the cosmos are drawing us forth. Even George Bush. He recently announced plans to have a man on Mars by 2025, and he has a head start. Thanks to the so-called Patriot Act, he can have someone on Uranus by the end of the week.

As if we didn’t have enough Mars energy these days. You never hear them talking about putting a woman on Venus, do you?

Going to Mars. That is the George Bush answer to global warming and environmental destruction. Well, we’re just about done with this planet. Time to mosey on to greener -- I mean redder -- pastures. The E.T.s are very concerned. Right after the Mars probe landed, the headline in theIntergalactic Gazette was: “There Goes the Neighborhood.”

The Angels Have Landed ..and Not a Moment Too Soon
Fortunately, there has been an infusion of angelic energy on Earth over the past year. Have you felt it? And those angels have upgraded their entire system. Now it’s every time a cell phone rings, an angel gets his wings. The activity is everywhere. Even the Fox network is coming out with an angel show this year. But you know Fox, they’re a little edgy.The new show is going to be called “Inappropriately Touched By An Angel.”

And we will need all of the angelic energy we can get, because I have to tell you, the forces of endarkenment made great strides last year, leaving their footprints on the backs of far too many. Sadly, 2003 was the year that the Irony Curtain descended over America -- the invisible wall of impropaganda they put up to separate the people from the truth. And when Michael Moore broke through the soundless barrier at the Academy Awards Show, it was a moment of truth in a year that was short on truthful moments. His courage to speak the truth at a time when
lie-ability appeared to be an asset makes him the leading candidate for this year’s NoBull Prize.

Body Politic Anemic Due to Irony Deficiency

Yes, the body politic has been inundated with so much toxic BS, our skeptic system has overflowed and we’ve ended up swallowing toxic ironies whole. This is called “irony deficiency.” Seeing a doctor won’t help, but seeing a paradox will.

Like this one: The best way to preserve our liberties is to take them away. And maybe if we call it the Patriot Act, no one will notice that it is the most unpatriotic and unconstitutional legislation ever passed.

Looking on the positive side, though, it has made our lives simpler. The Bill of Rights has now been boiled down to just one: You have the right to remain silent.

If a Speech Freely Falls in the Forest, and There is No One There to Hear it -- is it Still Free Speech?
True, this is a dangerous world, and while Mr. Cheney can hide himself in some undisclosed location, Mr. Bush has to make an appearance from time to time, and must be protected at all costs ... from free speech.

So to make sure that criticism of his policies doesn’t become massive enough to reach critical mass, protesters are now cordoned behind barbed wire in what are called ... and I am not making this up ... free speech zones. So Americans are still free to speak freely -- as long as no one can hear them.

Now I bet many Americans haven’t even heard of these free speech zones, and that is not surprising. It was one of those stories that went uncovered while the media was busy assaulting us with weapons of mass distraction. Like what just happened at the Super Bowl. CBS -- which apparently wants us to see only the B.S. they want us to see -- refused to run a MoveOn ad critical of George Bush. Meanwhile, their affiliate MTV (or, as it has come to be known, Empty Vee) happily distracted us with the Janet Jackson /Justin Timberlake fiasco.

This is all too typical of mass media nowadays -- an overwillingness to expose a little boob, and an underwillingness to expose a big one.

You can bet the Super Bowl will be entirely different in 2005. Rev.Jerry Falwell was very upset at what he called “trashy titillation and toilet humor”and vowed to clean it up. He has proposed that next year’s half-time entertainment be provided by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and the event be renamed the Tidy Bowl.

Strike While the Irony’s Hot!

So the body politic must strengthen itself by doing free press presses and pumping ironies. You know the old saying, “Strike while the irony is hot!” Like this one: The best way to make peace is by making war. I think Dick Cheney said it best: “We will keep fighting our war for peace, even if it takes forever!”

The War in Iraq is less than a year old, and it has cost us over $90 billion. That is $246,575,342 a day!

Do the math. And if you find the math difficult to fathom, how about the aftermath? Who will foot the bill for this misadventure? I will tell you. That bill will be placed squarely at our children’s feet. Years and years of bleeding off our precious livelihood to pay for weapons of deadlihood. No wonder the‘hood is so deadly!

Now of course there are those in the administration who say you gotta fight fire with fire, right? Well, I’ve been talking with some firemen lately, and you know what? They say, “No, you fight fire with WATER ... “ We should be dampening support for those terrorists, and instead we seem to be firing them up. So here we are, caught between Iraq and a harder place, and unable to pull out because we wouldn’t want to lose face. Now I don’t know whose face is being saved over there, but for sure ass is being lost -- ours and theirs. War may or may not be face-saving, but it is always ass-losing. So we the people must decidewhether saving their face is worth losing our ass.

And this thing about preemptive war being a new policy -- not true. There’s nothing new about it. It is old, very old. Listen, Mr. Bush, I know you sometimes get words mixed up, but Jesus did NOT say, “Doo doo unto others BEFORE they can doo doo unto you.”

So if we need any more proof that the Irony Curtain has indeed descended, consider this: We have a Patriot Act that is unpatriotic, a President supported by the Christian Right perpetrating Unchristian wrongs, and a plan for peace that fans the flames of war. Can you say, “DUH?”

Wake Up, America!

So I say it’s time to “Wake up, America!” Wake up to our serious foolishness. Wake up to the power of love that is our real choice in this world. And wake up to the infinite possibilities available to us when we stop doing what has never worked and try something different. Wake up America .. wake up laughing, and wake up loving!

Because I tell you what. Our choice is between love and fear. And I have good news. Love is a more powerful force. How do I know? Because otherwise we’d be singing ...
All You Need is Fear
Fear Is a Many-Splendored Thing
She Fears You, Yeah Yeah Yeah

And if we really want to save the world -- or at least spend it more wisely -- we must begin right now living the love, and losing the fear. Why now? Because it is too late to do it sooner!

Seriousness is Threatening Our Right to Laugh

The world is in such serious condition, the Earth’s protective laugh force has been compromised. That’s right. Scientists have discovered a hole in the Bozone Layer -- our planetary clown chakra -- because not enough levity is rising.

The good news is, we have founded the Right to Laugh Party ... one big party, everyone is invited .. to help us all wake up laughing, and leave laughter in our wake. Why laughter? Well most Americans agree there’s definitely something funny going on, so why not use comedy to laugh those clowns out of power -- which in and of itself will raise the laugh-expectancy on the planet.

Because our right to laugh is being compromised by laugh-threatening seriousness. Everywhere I go, I see people not laughing. People are saying to me, “I don’t understand it. I coulda sworn we voted for West Wing. How’d we end up with the Sopranos?”

A Gold Collar Crime Wave

Forget white collar crime. We have to face the fact that we’re dealing with gold collar crime, and America is in denial. Consider this. Bill Clinton, remember him? He took an out turn with an intern, and his little peccadillo was blown all out of proportion. Meanwhile, George Bush was snuggled in bed with that Lay from Enron who has screwed millions -- and everyone seems to have forgotten.

Gold collar criminals are criminals who are big enough to actually help write the laws, and they are adept at the ancient Chinese art of using their energy or “ch’i” to take unfair advantage ... Ch’i Ting, it is called. And it’s not just the Banana Republicans who are turning America into a banana republic. Parties in both parties are partying on ourdime, and it’s time to give them all the message: Their party is over.

The Trillion Dollar Question

Listen. A trillion dollars disappeared from the Defense Department accounts last year. Poof, like that. Totally unaccounted for. Did you see that on Unsolved Mysteries? Maybe it was on and I missed it. The Trillion Dollar Question. Now, there’s a reality TV show I would watch. Another story covered up because the media failed to cover it. If we want the body politic to recover, we must uncover the under-coveredstories that have been covered over. For indeed the best antidote for private excess is public access.

If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, do you know what he’d be saying? First thing he’d say is, “Boy ...do I feel OLD!” But then he would say that we are sovereign citizens, not subjects, and the government is our servant, not the other way around. And we are not being served very well by our servants. They are serving themselves first, their cronies second, and we the people are picking up the tab. Thomas Jefferson, radical that he was, would be saying, “Forget those airline passengers.Let’s strip search the government!”

Time for a New Precedent

The good news is we don’t need a revolution in this country. We’ve already had one, thank you. What we need now is an American Evolution where we the people evolve into the enlightened citizens our Founding Fathers designed this government for. We must choose a new precedent, because if we keep doing what we’ve done we will only get what we’ve gotten. Choose a new precedent ... and a new President will follow. So we at the Right to Laugh Party put forth this precedent:

Government of the people, by the people, for the people where the government does OUR bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.

Now I know we have counted on the Democrats in the past to represent the people’s interests, but ever since they suffered that electile dysfunction back in 2000, those Democrats can’t seem to get an election, can they? For the past ten years, the Republicans have been playing hardball. Meanwhile, the Democrats have been playing hardly-have-balls.

So that is why we must elect ourselves. It is only because of citizens like yourselves that Dr. Dean was able to alert the American public to the dangers of Mad Cowboy Disease (where the body politic is put into a state of cattlepsy) ... and citizens like you who will continue to awaken the body politic no matter who the candidates are. Yes, we need to wake up laughing, and wake up loving, so we can once and for all heal the body politic and cure electile dysfunction.

Blisskrieg Launched, All Out Peace Declared

Last year, we launched the Blisskrieg and declared all out peace. All those who have been developing inner peace, time to let it all out. And time to bring that force of consciousness into the political realm. That is why it is my mission to turn devotees into votees, and offer up another new precedent: Religions of the world helping people practicethe Golden Rule instead of saying, “We’re going to heaven .. and everyone else can go to hell.”

Don’t be afraid to laugh at the sacred cows, because as you know behind every sacred cow, there is a little bull lurking. So let’s help religions enlighten up. Let’s put the FUN back in FUNdamentalism. Because you can teach an old dogma new tricks. You can even teach your dogma to heal. In fact, I just heard some really good news. Apparently, there is a new singing group comprised of a Muslim, a Christian and a Jew, and it’s called Three Dogma Night. Now something like that is bound
to bring joy to the world.

Even Elvis Has Joined the Blisskrieg!

Speaking of music, even Elvis is joining the Blisskrieg. That’s right. I was recently traveling on a higher plane, and got to sit next to the King, who was, as you know, a great spiritual teacher. Hey, I was a Presleyterian for a while, and I followed the spiritual teachings of Elvis: “Love me tender, please surrender, return to sender.” This time Elvis asked me to convey his very urgent message for peace to the world, to move the blisskrieg forward so that more and more people get struck by enlightening -- because it’s now or never. Here is Elvis’s message:

It’s now or never
Though things seem tight
Blisskrieg my darlings
Be kind tonight
Tomorrow may be too late
It’s now or never
Our love won’t wait.

Just when we thought we
We had nearly ascended
The White House was captured
Our karma, rear-ended
When terrorists frighten
Let our laughter enlighten
And poof goes the fear
It’s time to cheer at last

It’s now or never
Though things seem tight
Blisskrieg my darlings
Be kind tonight
Tomorrow may be too late
It’s now or never
Our love won’t wait.

Ever since Adam
Munched on Eve’s little apple
We’ve felt so guilty
We cried in the chapel
They call us sinners
But in love we’re all winners
Now love is here
The time for fear has passed

It’s now or never
Though things seem tight
Blisskrieg my darlings
Be kind tonight
Tomorrow may be too late
It’s now or never
Our love won’t wait

Thank you very much, and hope to see y’all in Graceland ...

Get Even -- Get Odd!

So how do we bring that blisskrieg home? First of all, we must really recognize the foolishness of getting even, and get odd instead. An eye for an eye will only create blindness. Instead of doing what has never worked, why not honor the odd possibility that by doing something different, we can actually get different results? Because the main reason for toxic human conditions is toxic human conditioning. Generations of this toxicity has left a lot of residoodoo.

Through the human jestive system, we can transmute this toxic residoodoo into harmless laughter that will improve the atmosphere and restore the Bozone Layer. Laughter will help the body politic de-Tex -- oops, I mean detox -- and bring down the irony curtain as well.

Here’s another oddball idea: Could it possibly be possible that there’s a better way to bring about peace than through war? I say the best way to achieve loving ends is through loving means. Remember the Power of Now? Because now is the only time that really exists, the ends and the means are one and the same. So if the means are mean, you already knowhow it will end.

Now I know what you are thinking (yes, people ask me all the time if I am psychic, and I always answer, “I knew you were going to ask that question!”). You’re probably thinking, does this head-in-the-sky Swami have any practical down-to-earth ideas for resolving the conflict in the Middle East? Well, it happens I do. And we need only look beyond our own higher states, north to our Canadian neighbors for the answer. The Canadians don’t shoot each other. They have very low crime. They are the most peaceful, civilized people in the world, except for one thing ...hockey.

So that is my simple plan for peace in the Middle East: Hockey! Little Palestinian kids, little Israeli kids channeling thousands of years of frustration into hockey. The Hamas team vs. the Mosad team. They could charge admission and raise money for peace organizations. You can bet there’s gonna be some high-sticking and cross-checking, but you know what? It beats the hell out of suicide bombing and homicide retaliation, and it’s a sure fire way to put the entire conflict on ice.

Pray It Forward!

Now listen, even if we can’t prove God exists, we know love exists ...and even if religion doesn’t work, prayer still does. So pray it forward. Forget the idea that the messiah is going to come down and save the world. Did Jesus say, “Now don’t do a thing till I return?” No! We have met the messiah, and he is US! Who needs a bail out from above? This is supply-side spirituality.

Pray in any religion, pray in all of them. My guru, Harry Cohen Baba, the Garment Center Saint, was Jewish, had a Hindu ashram, and prayed to Buddha and Jesus. “Any one of these could be right,” he explained, “so why put all your begs in one askit?” No one should be excluded, not evenatheists. In fact, it is for their benefit that I created my Ultimate Meditation Tape -- which is, of course, blank. Because if we can’t pray together, we don’t have a prayer.

And as we pray for peace, I see us taking one small but significant step to actually get there. Are you ready to join me? OK, the first step is all of the peace organizations have to stop squabbling and make peace with one another. Think of how inspiring it will be to everyone else! And to get the process started, let us all join together in the peacemantra. Ready?

Ah, peace on it! Peace on it! Peace on it! Peace on it all!

Armageddon ... or Disarmageddon? The choice is ours, every day and every minute ... love or fear. Will wecontinue down the well worn path to armageddon ... or take the road less traveled to disarmageddon instead? Are we going to buy into original sin, or go for humanifest destiny where we actually realize our human potential? Because no matter what I see on the 6 o’clock news I believe we have the potential to be human, that mankind can treat man kindly, and that we can bring about Nonjudgment Day where all heaven will break loose!

But we must enlighten up! How many of you are willing to take a vow of levity? All those willing to take a vow of levity ... please rise! Repeat after me: “All for fun, and fun for all!” I now pronounce youduly absurdified.

I have a dream. I have a dream of disarmageddon and nonjudgment day, a day of civil discourse when the Elephant lies down with the Donkey ... and doesn’t roll over on top of him. I have a dream that all sessions of the United Nations will someday begin with the Hokey Pokey. Imagine, Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon. They put their whole selves in, that is commitment. They pull their whole selves out, that is detachment. They turn themselves around, and that is transformation. And THAT’S what it’s all about!

May you laugh, laugh, laugh till the sacred cows come home. For truly the farce is with us.

Swami Beyondananda,
Valentine’s Day, 2004

© Copyright 2004 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.

BeyondaNews:

Swami Becomes RadioActive !
State of the Universe to be Delivered,
Released This Week

Swami Becomes Radio Active

The Swami -- whose slogan is “Dress for radio!” -- has been on the air so much recently, he has barely had time to touch down. Last month, he was a featured guest on New Dimensions Radio, and in fact this interview is now available at http://www.newdimensions.org. He’s also been a regular Friday morning guest on the Jerianne Van Dijks Show on KVNR in Grass Valley, California. This past Friday, he guested on Thom Hartmann’s nationally-syndicated radio show (which in some markets is running opposite Rush Limbaugh) see http://www.thomhartmann.com.

Talk to Swami Live -- From Anywhere -- Every Wednesday!

Now the Swami is launching another weekly radio feature, Karma Talk, which can be heard in real time every Wednesday night from 9:10 to 10:00 p.m. Pacific Coast Time as part of Vortex News Network on KFNX in Phoenix. In addition to the 10,000 watt presence (10,000 what? That’s right, 10,000 watt) in Phoenix and vicinity, the show can be heard in real time online at http://www.1100kfnx.com. But wait -- there’s more. You can actually call in to this show from anywhere and ask the Swami a question. The toll free call in line is 1-866-536-1100.

Swami’s “Official” 2004 State of the Universe to be Delivered
This Thursday in Grass Valley, California

Serious times call for serious laughter, and let’s face it -- the body politic is in serious condition. Swami Beyondnanda, whose favorite yoga pose is tongue-in-cheek, says, “There’s definitely something funny going on, and who better than a comedian to deal with it?”

The Swami is bringing his campaign for a new precedent (“choose a new precedent, and a new President will follow”) to the Center for the Arts in GrassValley on Thursday, February 12th, where he will also be delivering his annual State of the Universe Address. Last year’s State of the Universe Address won kudos worldwide and was reprinted in magazines as diverse as Funny Times and Magical Blend. For more information http://www.thecenterforthearts.org/index.htm

The Swami’s political message is simple: If we keep doing what we’ve always done, we will continue to get what we’ve always gotten. So, in honor of Lincoln’s birthday, Swami offers this unprecedented idea: “Government of the people, by the people, for the people where the government does our bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.”

If you can’t make it to the show in person, you can read the State of the Universe online on Friday morning at http://www.wakeuplaughing.com.

More BeyondaNews:

Swami Even More RadioActive,
Guesting on Thom Hartmann’s Show Again This Week

State of the Universe Delivered in Grass Valley
25 Devotees Converted to “Votees”

On Thursday, February 12th, the Swami delivered his 2004 State of the Universe Address to a packed house at the Center for the Arts in Grass Valley. Nearly 200 fans -- a pretty good turn out for a week night -- filled the room with laughter, as the Swami delivered his address, channeled Elvis and answered (or evaded) questions. Comedian Richard Stockton (“Fondle the Fear”) opened the show, and KVMR radio personality Jerianne Van Dijks was the host. In keeping with our mission to bring together the entire spectrum of “cultural creatives”, the College of Ayurveda had a booth (and gave away two tickets to Swami’s next Grass Valley show in September), as did the local peace organization -- and they registered some 25 previously unregistered voters!

Just think. At that rate, if Swami does two million shows between now and November, we can register 50 million voters! Seriously, every voter counts so I am encouraging any politically aware performer or speaker to include voter registration as part of their show / performance / political lecture, whatever. Any local activist group will be happy to show up and person a table. Voting is to regime change what buying a ticket is to the lottery. Doing it doesn’t guarantee you will win, but not doing it does guarantee you will lose.

The event was recorded, so watch for a Swami’s State of the Universe CD (and possibly DVD) available this fall. To read the text of the State of the Universe, click here
http://www.wakeuplaughing.com/

Swami on Thom Hartmann’s Show Again This Week

Swami’s becoming increasingly radioactive, as he has been invited back as special guest on the Thom Hartmann radio show for the next three Wednesdays. Listen for Swami at 1:00 P.M. EST this Wednesday (10 A.M. PCT) on your local station or online at http://www.thomhartmann.com. Incidentally, Thom is one of the most inspiring and incisive political “uncommontators” of our time, and in some markets his show is being put up against Rush Limbaugh. When you go to his website, you can find out how to get your local stations to carry his show. And if you can, give Thom and the Swami a call-in.

Talk to Swami Live -- From Anywhere -- Every Wednesday Evening!

Meanwhile,the Swami is launching another weekly radio feature, Karma Talk, which can be heard in real time every Wednesday night from 9:10 to 10:00 p.m. Pacific Coast Time as part of Vortex News Network on KFNX in Phoenix. In addition to the 10,000 watt presence (10,000 what? That’s right, 10,000 watt) in Phoenix and vicinity, the show can be heard in real time online at http://www.1100kfnx.com. But wait -- there’s more. You can actually call in to this show from anywhere and ask the Swami a question. The toll free call in line is 1-866-536-1100.